CURRENT MISSION

To save the world from myself.

ABOUT ME

Officially I'm the World's Only Living Saint. Though I look like an angel, I'm not. I'm actually a High Priest in the Church of Hypocrisy. His Holiness preaches water and guzzles wine like an empty hole. In semi-sober moments, I arz da werldz moist wurstester jernalitz.

Heavy Drinking For Journalists tops my priorities. I'm currently working on a bestseller which re-writes WWII history: how Germans won WWII for the Allies. True story. Load of crap Alan Turing cracked the Enigma code. Turing had it given to him by anti-Hitler Germans. That's how profis "crack" codes. They cheat. And steal. And take the credit for it. As "great minds". That's life. All smoke and mirrors.

My To-Do List after that is:

1. Re-write the Bible answering all the big questions. Did God score with a virgin? Was Jesus the first man in space? Why did the Cosmic Zombie salt Lot's wife? Why did the Lord nuke Sodom and Gomorrah? Praise the Lard! PLUS a free, pull-out guide on how to turn water into wine - spell properly.

2. Update the Kama Sutra. My mattress tricks such as the Sicilian Spaghetti Hold elevates it from a beginners' guide into THE handbook for studs and studesses.

3. Correct Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Everyone's warped, not just time and space.

STRENGTHS: As an ex-fighter pilot, first man on the Moon, Nobel Prize and multiple Olympic gold medal winner, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BULLSHIT ARTISTS.

WEAKNESSES (if any): way too shy; far too modest; much too humble; practising what I preach.

PHILOSOPHY

"What good I can do, therefore let me do it, for I shall not pass this way again." French Quaker missionary Stephen Grellet.

"What we know is a drop, what we don't know is an ocean." Sir Isaac Newton

Respect; Right thoughts; Non-violence; Non-materialism. Siddharta Guatama (Buddha)

Why I’m on Couchsurfing

HOW I PARTICIPATE IN COUCHSURFING

Recruiting for Alcoholics Anonymous.

COUCHSURFING EXPERIENCE

Have not got my wings yet.

Interests

Drinking Earl Grey tea in the morning after a hard night's drinking, reading, talking, relaxing, dreaming, sleeping, making mistakes, learning, etc etc.

Travelling the path less taken. Long-distance cycling. Avoiding work. I've got better things to do with my time.

• wine
• drinking
• reading
• traveling
• cycling
• history
• languages
• mental and physical orgasms

Music, Movies, and Books

Eclectic:

- Great voices (Harry Secombe's arias! Maddy Prior, Elvis etc). Calming classical music. Steppenwolf's "Get your motor running." Bagpipes. The sound of railway locomotives.

- Great speeches/rhetoric (Churchill, Kennedy et al).

- Great movies ( Chaplin's "The Great Dictator").

- Great writing (Bertrand Russell on religion, Marc Aurel's "Self Reflections"; Viktor Klemperer's "LTI" (misuse of the German language in the Third Reich) etc etc

One Amazing Thing I’ve Done

Climbed Mt Everest backwards in a wheelchair with both arms broken and no brakes.

My discovery of chile in Mexico. With this nuclear herb, I can eat boots, trucks and concrete pylons. Chile eyedrops are great too for that natural red eye look on a hot, romantic date.

Teach, Learn, Share

GREAT GURUS - EX POLISH PRESIDENT LECH WALESA

I once interviewed Solidarity hero Lech Walesa in his Gdansk office. His son had been caught in Gydnia's magnificent three-storey "Bodega" brothel. The Polish press had a field day: WALESA IN BROTHEL. I asked the great Solidarity leader what he thought of prostitution.

"We must fight good with evil," said Walesa.

Walesa's non-stop barrage of whacky homespun wisdoms had confused the translator so much she got his reply back-to-front. Walesa even confuses himself. Walesa promised to slash the cost of living by 100% as Polish President. Against Walesa, communism never stood a chance.